Hello beautiful humans!
I’ve always been a cautious person. When I was a kid, I was the epitome of a rule follower and going outside of my comfort zone (aka not being in control) made me feel a sense of fear that would manifest itself physically. As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized the importance of taking risks and jumping into things that make me uncomfortable. I’ve found that the things that scare me the most are usually the most worthwhile.
But even knowing this from all my experiences in these 25 years, I am still scared. I am still that six year old afraid to jump into the deep end of the pool. I am still that awkward thirteen year old afraid to tell someone I like them. I am still that seemingly confident teenager freaking out internally about being the new kid at school. I am still the self aware twenty something afraid of opening myself up to someone. Fear continues to lace my life.
When I fell in love, real love, for the first time I made a decision not to hold back. I made the decision to lean into the uncomfortable feeling of being vulnerable. I wanted to feel it all and I did. I felt all the butterflies. I felt all the joy and happiness. I felt all the heartache and disappointment. I felt that icky feeling in the pit of my stomach and I felt my heart being broken into a thousand tiny pieces.
I’ve taken a lot of time to rebuild and I have come out of it all stronger. I don’t regret making the decision to jump in head first to that relationship. But now as I am trying to navigate the world on my own and date, I find that I am more terrified now than I ever have been. I find myself wondering if I am ready even though I know I am. I’m afraid.
I’m afraid of feeling something for someone again. I’m afraid of letting someone in again. My last relationship taught me so much about myself, good and bad. But it took so much out of me to get there. I’m afraid.
But it’s okay.
It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to build the walls back up. It’s okay to feel things. It’s okay to be frustrated with yourself because you’re afraid. Just like I jumped into love head first, I am going to jump into fear head first. I am going to lean into the discomfort and fear I am feeling right now because that is how I learn.
It’s okay to be afraid. Be patient with yourself. Change takes time. It does not happen overnight and you can’t expect it to. Lean in and feel everything. Even if it hurts and is uncomfortable. This is how you grow.