If my life was a Shakespearean drama it would be called The Taming of the Hangover, let’s be honest. This girl likes to partake in the guzzling of libations pretty frequently. In layman’s terms, I drink like a fish on occasion.
When I was in college, I did the college thing and was wildly irresponsible with alcohol. To the point where it became one of my biggest vices and led to some terrible decisions. As I’ve gotten older my relationship with alcohol has definitely changed for a few reasons. The first one being that sloppy mcslopperson doesn’t look good on anyone over the age of like 23. Responsibility and appearing as if you have your act together is important-ish. The second one being, my body just can’t handle alcohol like it used to. If I don’t check off all the boxes of “preparing to drink to excess” I can expect to feel like death the next day. And on occasion I do.
I am going to share with you the secrets to taming a hangover according to my experience. Of course, there is not a cure all for a hangover. Just some preventative things you can do to help a bit. Let’s face it, poppin bottles isn’t consequence free. I’m not going to put bullshit on this list either, like working out. Working out when you’re hungover is the biggest pile of horseshit I’ve ever stepped in. You’re clinically insane and can’t be trusted if you work out when you’re hungover.
Some of these things are to be done when you get home from a night of drinking and some are to be done the next day. I realize that sometimes we are way too drunk to think of all these things when we get home, so leave the stuff out in an obvious area so drunk you can stumble over to it.
So this was introduced to me recently by some of my besties (shoutouts to those crazy Graham girls!). If you’ve never taken Dramamine, it is a medication for motion sickness. Advil is good too, but Dramamine takes care of the symptoms of motion sickness, which are usually headache, stomachache, nausea, and the spins/dizziness. So it’s super powerful against a hangover, it will also help you sleep like a baby. Seriously, only take 2 at most when you get home from a night of drinking or you’ll sleep for like 4 days straight. You can get Dramamine pretty much anywhere; grocery stores, pharmacies, and convenience stores.
- La Croix
I am extremely basic and addicted to La Croix. I am not ashamed about it whatsoever. I’ve cut back quite a bit since I discovered it, but it is seriously the most wonderful thing you can drink when you are hungover. For those of you that don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, La Croix is flavored carbonated water. It is naturally flavored and has no calories because it’s WATER. Something about the crispness and the bubbles just makes you feel so refreshed when you’re feeling like you got hit by a truck. I prefer the lime flavor, but there are like a billion other flavors. It’s also awesome because it’s WATER so it hydrates you after all you’ve had to drink in the past 12 hours is vodka. But in addition to this, you should probably guzzle any water you can find too because let’s face it, you feel like Spongebob when he goes into Sandy’s bubble for too long. You NEEEEEEED IT. The more water, the better.
- Eat something substantial when you get home
When you get home from a night of drinking, you need to eat. It is as simple as that. Ask your Uber driver to stop by a fast food place. 9 times out of 10 if they aren’t a dick they will. You will feel 80% better the next day if you eat before you go to bed after you’ve been drinking. Trust and believe. You should also eat when you get up too. None of this chia seed yogurt and fruit when you roll out of bed smelling like pure whiskey at 2 pm the next day. Get your ass to McDonald’s or Taco Bell. Go eat something greasy and carby. You already drank your weight in alcohol last night, so you can’t say you are watching what you eat if you’re hungover. Just do it. You need something to soak up the alcohol. Even if you feel super nauseous, try to stomach some crackers or chips. It will help.
- Take a damn shower
You need to wash off all the filth and poor decisions you made last night, most of which you probably don’t remember. If you had a proper night out, you will feel grimy and sweaty and oily the next day. That’s just life. Get your ass in the shower and wash up. Use some of that expensive face scrub you have in there. Scrub the bad decisions way! Come out of the shower feeling like a new born baby and get on with wasting your day.
- Put on the comfiest clothes you own
If it is hot outside, you are going to have a bad time. Just don’t go outside if you’re hungover and it is hot. It will feel like actual hell. Fresh air is good for you when you’re hungover, but unless it is semi pleasant outside, just stay inside. Crack a window. If you must go outside and it is hot, just wear the least amount of clothes possible while still appearing a sane human being. If it is cold outside, bundle the fuck up. As I’m writing this it is 60 degrees (cold for us) and rainy in Houston, and I am wearing a big ass sweatshirt and leggings. I like to look as athletic as possible. It is all about deception. If you go out wearing workout clothes, people will be disillusioned into believing that you just worked out and are not hungover. So if you have to leave your house, wear workout clothes. The joke is totally on everyone else and you get to feel like you live inside a hoodie, which we all know is the best feeling.
- Plant your butt somewhere
Somewhere comfortable preferably. A couch. Your bed. A pillow fort. Whatever. Make sure you have some kind of entertainment near you, like your phone, laptop, or TV. And just settle in for the day because honestly you aren’t going to be productive. The only productivity you will be experiencing is finishing three seasons of The Office in one day. Cancel all other plans you had for the day.
- Sleep it off
Sleep is super essential in a hangover situation. Most of the time if you’ve had a proper night out, you were out until the wee hours of the morning. You’ve only slept like 4 or 5 hours when you really needed like 10. So take a nap. Ain’t no shame in snoozing for a bit, but try not to nap after 5 pm or you’ll be up all night. Set an alarm so you don’t sleep all day. It is incredible how much better you will feel if you just sleep for a little bit longer after you’ve eaten and hydrated.
Those are my tried and true methods for hangovers. Everyone’s body is different so this stuff might not all work for you, but it’s all pretty simple stuff. Hangovers don’t have to suck dudes. Prepare your body and you won’t feel as shitty.