If I Never Came Out…

My life would be a lot different than it is right now. I would have continued to live my life not believing in myself. Not trusting myself. Not being who I actually am.

I would have continued to search for solutions to the reasons I felt no one could love me the way I needed to be loved. I would have continued to yearn for a romantic relationship that didn’t make me feel like I was broken. And wrong. And unlovable.

I would have continued to search for solutions to my problems at the bottom of a well. Falling deeper and deeper into my own self-loathing and oblivion. Letting depression hold me in my bed every day and every night.

My mom and I would still be close. She would still have hope that my life would be everything she always dreamed it would be. White picket fence. 2.5 kids. Great job. A husband.

I would be able to bring my significant other to family holidays and it would be a celebration. My grandma pulling us into the front yard for a photoshoot so she could show all the ladies back home at church.

I would be able to go about my life quietly. Not fearing the slurs and glances of people outside. Not fearing I’d be hurt or killed for loving who I love. For kissing my significant other in public.

But I didn’t want that when I came out and to this very day, I don’t want that. I’d much rather have the life I am currently living. A life where I can be exactly who I am. A life where I can love who I want to love fearlessly. A life where I am challenged constantly and striving constantly to help challenge others’ ideas.

Not everything is perfect, and it never will be. But I am closer now to my life being near perfect and that’s all I can hope for. If you’re on the fence about coming out or scared about what that will mean for your life, take it slow. Breathe through it. Remember that you are the same person you’ve always been, and people might not understand that initially, but they will. Slowly. Your life can be everything you ever want it to be. I promise it can. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

Come out whatever way you need to. All at once or poking your leg out, then your arm, then the rest of your body. Do it when you feel it is time. And remember, everything is going to be okay. Maybe not immediately, but it will be. Trust and believe.

Happy Pride month guys 🙂 

 

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